Tedliest Catch
by justthetipton
Summary: Ted Mosby is on a much needed vacation at the Tipton Hotel, when he meets the alluring hotel manager, Mr. Moseby. Chaos ensues as mythical secrets are revealed, including Mr. Moseby's strange condition, and a devastating secret from Ted's past. Will Barney mess up Ted's romantic day? Will London and Maddie's devious plan work out? Find out!
1. Welcome to the Tipton

Ted Mosby ran a hand through his tousled brown haircut that his good friend Barney called "lesbian", looking up at the Boston cityscape, envisioning his own masterpiece rising above them all. He stepped out of the yellow cab onto the curb by the Tipton Hotel, the jewel of Boston, MA. The Tipton Hotel had long fascinated Ted Mosby, ever since his first stay as a naïve 13 year old from Ohio. The big city! The bright lights! The excitement had almost been too much to bear the night before his drive to the city; young Teddy had barely slept, and he walked with the same spring in his step as that day so many years ago now, as an adult. Visiting the Tipton now was more rewarding than his first visit because now, as an architect, he was able to appreciate all of the fine details of the building's exterior. He knew the building very well, in fact, he was teaching an entire class about the Tipton Hotel's history and layout. As a treat to himself, every year since he moved to New York City after attending Wesleyan University, Ted stayed exactly one night at the Tipton and lived in luxury, forgetting the outside world. Something was different about this visit, however. This was his very first visit without a female companion, but he was excited to escape the stress of the dating shark tank that is NYC and have some time to read his favorite book in the world, "Love in the Time of Cholera". Ted placed one foot into the perfectly manicured, creamy wooden floors of the hotel lobby and took a sigh of relief; he was home.

"Ah yes, Mr. Wahlberg, The Tipton Hotel is the pinnacle of luxury lodging… and absolute discretion", Mr. Moseby dropped his voice to a whisper, acknowledging the six hookers that Mark Wahlberg was toting along. "Have a good evening… Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch." He added under his breath, chuckling loudly as Mark Wahlberg and his entourage strutted away to their suite. "Get it, Esteban! Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch!" Mr. Moseby was a particular man, and he liked his lobby to be maintained in particular order. Before Mr. Moseby could even take a second to appreciate his perfectly clean and orderly lobby before two blonde streaks tore by the candy counter and out the front door. Mr. Moseby let out a guttural scream and clutched his head.

"Excuse me, are you okay?" Ted asked worriedly as he approached the front desk. Mr. Moseby smoothed his clean, starched shirt and took a deep, steadying breath. "Yes, Mister…"

"Oh, Mosby. The name's Mosby." Ted said with a flourish.

Mr. Moseby stopped and stared at this kind, considerate stranger with a book in hand that just happened to share his name. "What are the odds?" Mr. Moseby mused, "A handsome, obviously intellectually stimulating young man comes into my chaotic lobby and automatically, all seems calm. And, he has my last name!" Mr. Moseby drew his thoughts back to the matter at hand and smiled warmly at the attractive stranger. "How delightful! That's also my last name! Mr. Moseby at your service, but you may call me Marion" he said, reaching out a hand and grinning a toothy smile.

"Hello Marion, you're my favorite berry. My name is Ted, it's great to meet you. I would like to check in, please."

Mr. Moseby quickly scanned his computer screen for Ted's reservation and looked up suddenly. "Mr. Mosby! I see that we have you booked for room 307B… Well that just won't do! A gentleman like you needs something more luxurious. How about… the Imperial Suite?"

"Oh, Marion, that's incredibly kind," Ted stammered, thinking about his bank account being whittled down to nothing. "But I'm afraid I don't have the sufficient funds to-"

Mr. Moseby cut Ted off, "Of course, it will be complimentary." He said with a wink and another toothy smile. "Our files are saying that you've come to the Tipton every year for 7 years! Let's just call it a buy 7 get one upgrade free. You deserve it, Ted!"

Ted, slightly mollified, started towards his small suitcase when an eager bellhop grabbed it and began walking swiftly ahead of him to the elevator. "This way, Mr. Mosby!" the bellhop said in slightly accented English. "My name is Esteban, and I'm one of the staff here at the Tipton to make your stay an enjoyable one.

Marion Moseby watched Esteban and the dark haired guest disappear into the elevator, and felt something deep in the recesses of his soul that he hadn't felt since a summer 20 years ago in Barbados. Once again, it was the wave crashing, chandelier shattering, triumphant twang of bedsprings and dying violin feeling of true-no-shit L-O-V-E.

Miles away, Barney Stinson had a plan already in the works to ruin Ted's peaceful night; "STRIPPERS! SUITS! VEGAS! MARKY MARK AND THE FUNKY BUNCH!" Barney's mind was running at a million miles an hour, and there was no way he would take no for an answer. Ted had always been too boring; according to Barney, being boring was the quickest way to an early death. "A weekend of parties and Asian gambling sure will perk Ted up, and have him back on his feet after that rough breakup with Stella," continued Barney's inner monologue. "NEW IS ALWAYS BETTER!" He yelled as he stepped into a cab headed for the airport.

Ted finally had some time to himself, and "Love in the Time of Cholera" awaited. With his feet up on a plush ottoman, and a perfect view of the cotton candy snow falling on Boston, he delved into the story, holding his breath at the suspenseful parts and even shedding a few tears at the emotionally difficult parts. After drying his eyes, Ted stretched his aching joints and realized that it had been exactly a year since he'd enjoyed a bath in a Tipton tub. He slipped off his plaid pajama pants and went to the huge bathroom that accompanied the Presidential suite. "This really is a 'suite' life" he said aloud to himself, appreciating his own pun. The tub took a long time to fill up, probably because it was the size of a small swimming pool. Ted slipped in the tub and felt all of his muscles relax. Mr. Moseby was right. He deserved this. Interrupting his soapy reverie, a knock sounded at the door. "Come in! I'm in the tub." Ted shouted towards the general direction of the front door. Mr. Moseby peaked his head into the bathroom, with his eyes shut tightly.

"Hello Mr. Mosby, I'm sorry to interrupt your relaxation time, but I know you love architecture, and I was wondering if you'd like to take a tour of the hotel? I also brought some complimentary brownie bites." Mr. Moseby added, holding up a small box tied with a big blue ribbon. Ted scrambled out of the tub, and put on a large fluffy Tipton bathrobe. "Yes! I'd love you! You can leave the brownie bites in here, I'll eat them later. Thank you so much"

"Okay! Do you want to get dressed… or are you going like that?" Marion Moseby nervously asked, not wanting to offend Ted. Ted looked down at his outfit, shrugged, and said, "Why not? And, on second thought… bring the brownie bites."


	2. Chapter 2

Barney sat confidently on the plane to Boston, looking out the window and imagining the friendship bonding time he and Ted would share. "This will finally prove that _I'm _Ted's best friend, and not Marshall!" he said out loud, much to the bemusement of the people riding next to him. Barney adjusted his impeccably tailored suit and sat comfortably in his first class seat, ready to suit up with his best friend.

London Tipton got out of her pristine shiny limousine, and took off her sunglasses, shaking out her silky black hair. Her eyes were so innocent and pure and full of the light of 10000 debit and credit cards glinting, or like diamonds and platinum. She strode into the hotel like her daddy owned it (SpOiLeR aLeRt:: HE DOES), and said hello to her friend Maddie. Maddie worked at the hotel candy counter, and unbeknownst to Mr. Moseby and the rest of the Tipton Hotel management team, she was handing out much more than candy, if you know what I mean. And by that, I mean she was running a covert ring of hotel worker prostitutes catering to the rich and famous that frequented the Boston Tipton. Interestingly enough, a famous person that had used "Maddie's Candy Counter", as it had come to be called, was the former vice president of the United States, (NAME HAS BEEN REMOVED).

"Hi London, how are you today? Guess who just came into the hotel?!" Maddie remembered as she greeted her friend.

"I know Maddie SMH I just came in the hotel, you don't have to announce it." London replied modestly.

"No, I didn't mean you!" Maddie continued, and told London all about how the cute stranger that came every year was back again. "You know! The architect!",

London paused, and then gasped audibly. "GASP! You mean the one always talks about?"

Maddie sighed, also audibly. "SIGH, of course. There's only one. He's here now! We need to set them up! Wouldn't that be just so adorable… Mr. Moseby and that adorable architect riding bikes through the park, feeding each other brownie bites…" Maddie trailed off, and it was obvious she wasn't talking about Mr. Moseby and the mysterious, handsome, intellectual stranger staying at the hotel. Maddie fell to her knees crying. "WHY DOES NO ONE LOVE ME?"

London awkwardly patted the top of her head, not exactly knowing what to say. To be perfectly honest, she wasn't really sure what was even going on. To be even more honest, she might have forgotten the blonde candy counter prostitutes name, or why she was crying.

"There there, Marie, no, Marilyn, no, Cod-" London began, trying to guess her friend's name. Before she could finish, two blonde streaks ran through the lobby. "HEY MADDIE!" they both shrieked, grabbing seven candy bars each and running outside with skateboards and helmets.

"Maddie! There there, Maddie. I'm sure someday a rich celebrity or something will ask to marry you probably." London ended kindly, happy she had remembered Maddie's name, even if the twins, Zack and Cody had had to remind her. London began trailing upstairs to her room, forgetting all about Maddie's troubles with love, or Moseby's trouble with love, or the twins' troubles with love… "Wait, the twins don't have trouble with love!" London said aloud as she boarded the elevator.

Right as London began the ascent to her suite, Barney strode into the lobby, and thinking aloud to himself, said "Welcome to BROston!"


	3. Chapter 3

As Mr. Moseby and Ted meandered through the luminous hotel, Moseby kept sneaking glances at the attractive architect, in his fluffy bathroom, popping brownie bites into his mouth and absentmindedly smiling as he took in the rich history of the Tipton Hotel. Ted was so thrilled he got to take a tour, he didn't notice Mr. Moseby's appraising eyes on him. Mr. Moseby led Ted through a large, picturesque room, filled with crème colored seats, pearls, and crystal chandeliers. Ted caught his breath at how gorgeous it all was; even with the lights off, everything seemed to sparkle.

"And this is the Grand Duchamps Ballroom," Mr. Moseby said with a flourish and a small smile at Ted.

"What is this used for?" Ted asked in awe. This question made Mr. Moseby very proud. Even though he didn't always want to admit it, he was incredibly proud of the prestige the Tipton Hotel held.

"Actually, sir," Mr. Moseby began, "This ballroom is almost exclusively used for the yearly ball Mr. Tipton himself throws. It's a grand affair, and most staff aren't even allowed to attend. But yours truly has been manager for 10 years now, and I'm finally being granted the pleasure of attending this grand function. Everyone will be there, Prince William and Duchess Kate, Prince Harry, Harry Potter the British Prime Minister, and this year, the host is none other than Neil Patrick Harris!" Mr. Moseby ended with a squeal. Ted was in awe, and stood staring at the magnificent ballroom with his mouth agape.

As they moved out of the ballroom, Ted looked over his shoulder wistfully at the ballroom. That sounded like a party he wanted to go to. Unfortunately, being an architect did not get you on the list for the 75th annual Tipton Ball Extravaganza.

"Now this room is incredibly important." Mr. Moseby paused at a thick, creamy, oak door with a heavy looking golden knob. "It is of the upmost importance that you don't touch anything, and especially don't tell anyone that I showed you this. This for esteemed guests only" Mr. Moseby ended with a flirty wink at Ted. Ted blushed as they entered a smallish room filled with rare pottery and art. Ted gasped audibly as they stepped in the room, and wanted to quickly absorb all the art into his brain. Before he could do this, the twin of pure terror rode their skateboards into the room, following Ted and Mr. Moseby at full speed. Because skateboards don't have brakes, and this is Zach and Cody we're talking about, they crashed into a rare pottery exhibit, shattering the pots and decorative Ming vases into nearly dust. It was quiet for nearly 2 minutes straight as Mr. Moseby slowly descended into madness. His eyes rolled back in his head and the veins around his face bulged and pulsed as if to some unheard beat. Ted stared at Mr. Moseby, wondering where the man's humanity had gone, but to no avail. Mr. Moseby's back began bubbling, and his shirt tore at the seams as he leaned back and forward, back and forward on his heels. Where his back had been bubbling, many spears began to shoot from his back, like those of a porcupine. A slow rolling steam like substance began pouring out of the spaces where Mr. Moseby's eyes had been, and he issued a low-frequency scream, almost inaudible to the human ear, but the visual that went with it was enough to chill a man to the bones. The twins melted on the spot into piles of human colored goo, and the smell, well, it smelled exactly how one would expect human goo to smell. Like hell itself had turned out all of its bedpans and septic tanks at once, to be more graphically descriptive.

Thinking quickly, Ted reached into his bathrobe, put his arms around Mr. Moseby, and pulled out a small hourglass that hung around his neck, and turned it once.


End file.
